Monkeys and keyboards aside, one Random + CSS still doesn't make poop.

From the morning call.com:

A Pottsville man allegedly persuaded a 15-year-old girl that he was part werewolf and part vampire -- before sexually assaulting her, police say.

Police also say Kristian Allen Carl, 19, of 1112 W. Arch St., was convinced he was a supernatural mixed-breed.

"He convinced himself he was a hybrid -- a combination werewolf and vampire," Pottsville Police Sgt. James Joos said. "He had convinced the girl he was, too."

To prove to police he was indeed a genuine vampire/werewolf, Carl "showed me his canine teeth," Joos said. "I let him know that all mammals, including humans, have canine teeth."

Carl, Joos said, also told police he had a "guardian dragon that protected him from evil-doers."

Word has it that after the police'd had a hold of him for a little while, he stopped the claims to . . . well, whatever the fuck it was. Super Stu-dom or terminal stupidity--you tell me!


And sadly, because this apparently needs said . . .

Dear teen girls: I don't care if he wears makeup, covers himself in body glitter, listens to emo bands, has piercings in his face & naughty bits, or if he expounds at length on the darkity dark tragic darkness of his (dark) poet's soul. When he tells you he's anything along the lines of a vampire/werewolf hybrid and offers to show you his "little invisible dragon," GET THE FUCK AWAY. WE DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERKIN. Not even for a future conversation piece.


(For real, now. He's not even pretty.)

Bonus lulz in the article's comments.



Me, I wanna see someone drop a pickup line where he claims to be Pennsylvania's own Bigfoot. I'd hit that! . . . with my car. :D